Today is 30th of April,2021 and after fifty one days I will be having my birthday And in this time lapse of my existence till now I shall say that I have seen many disappointments in circumstances, deceit in people and many more things. That man mostly are a servant to their desires and in this aspect they are worse than that of animals. How shall I write what I want to say. How shall I put them all in words?
But write I must. For I believe some precious information will be lost. As i shall not remain the same forever and so is my perspective. I wonder what I will become tomorrow as I am ever evolving with time. I wonder too if I will be able to see the morning sun of next day because life is so uncertain that it comes with baggage that shocks you in most unpredictable ways.There is more indeed to life. The ever demanding challenge to survive in this scary world which wants to snatch it all from you. That everyone who is blessed is envied. And I have been given a lot of blessings. Shukran Allah.I feel so anxious most of the time for all the reasons I can't entail here but I feel in my very nerves and the blood which flows in my veins, in my throbbing heart and brain to an extent that I can't take it at all. And still to my amazement I live and put up a brave face in this world where I laugh and smile because I have a will to never give up . give in and give out.
As i am writing down i can sense a feeling of discontentment and disappointment that's because i have not attained much in this materialistic world but experiences - i have many after all. Recovering from paranoid schizophrenia is something after all.
As a child I had many aspirations in wanting to attain so much, to live a life larger than life itself in not being extraordinary but defying every cliché in all means. And maybe that's where the reason of my pain lies that how can i expect from this world when its me who haven't done justice to myself. My pain lies in all the broken promises remaining scathed in the deep recesses of my soul.
More so ever, as I look back I realize that i have made many enemies and competitors than actual friends and that is the thing with people they harbor negative feelings in leisure they take pride in detesting things and people. Mostly gossiping about it and maybe to a little extent and sometimes ,so do i. But I am not sadistic and more cynical than most people I have come across. I am a little different. Different in hoping and expecting good from people since childhood. In doing so my heart is broken thousand times there is a saying of Rumi that “ keep breaking your heart until it opens”...mine is closed i suppose. I have started to feel apathy to most circumstances...but i do cry sometimes for an instance remembering the loss of my mother. I cry- that too in solitude, between me and Allah. The pain comes from knowing that in this world I shall not see her again but mostly the pain comes from the fact that of all the few I considered as my own I lost one. I have realized so far that this world is not a place for expectations and anticipation- to put your heart out there upon people for everything is fleeting is temporary.
Even then, in a world full of deceit, competition and illness I wish to flow against the current- to strive , to thrive, to survive- for still a little of life is left in me yet.
They say from where do you derive such optimism and such valor. I comprehend to myself and it does remain an open secret that I derive the energy of life from hoping from Allah. Who is my l last hope, my ultimate end to this defying journey. My light against a dark night.I know from my experiences that if somebody who would keep a promise then it is Allah- who wont do injustice to me ever. And that confidence triggers a warrior in me.A warrior who will never allow the gratification of her enemies. For they will …
“Watch me
I will go down to my own Sun.
And if I am burned by its fire
I will fly on scorched Wings:”
INSHAH ALLAH-I WILL
But life is so uncertain that if ever i muster enough courage to fight back it pulls me down.i mostly lose. But iam adamant to win for i am not giving up yet this tendency of life reminds me of yet another poem by Rumi.
And still in the dark of the night I lay stranded and very much awake in hope of a new morning,
a new day, a new sunrise, a new beginning. To have it all sorted and say it ultimately that
I made it because I never gave up despite it all. Like the story of a certain bear and rabbit
entails as follows
